I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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