THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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