i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
