burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
