I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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