So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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