farters have to be the big spoon...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
