This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's just like the Real World with babies
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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