Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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