and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
