all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize