I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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