dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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