The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
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