i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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