Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
