I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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