I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
