1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
