i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
