She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize