Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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