I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
