so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
