so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize