I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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