I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
