every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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