I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
