I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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