Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
