All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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