Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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