$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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