you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize