awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
