3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize