Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
