i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
