I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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