Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
