Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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