I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
