Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
