This is not my ceiling
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
