from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
