She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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