i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize