my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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