Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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