Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize