I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
