so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize