So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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