I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
