Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
