I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
