went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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