You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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