How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
