I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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