I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
