No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
