News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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